josh's stuff

I had to leave work today because I am on Day 3 of the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had. I didn’t even start working. It was minutes before I was supposed to clock in. I was already there. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. I started to cry.
The supervisor had told me to take a mental health day. I had previously told him no, that I had bills and responsibilities, and I wouldn’t be weak and allow this crippling feeling to win. I pushed hard, really hard. I remembered all the times that I had JUST DEALT WITH IT, and pushed it down, being stronger than me, waiting until I got home and locked the door to feel safe. (I hate locking doors for this reason; if you have to lock the door, it’s because it isn’t safe outside.) But today I couldn’t.
I left on my motorcycle as fast as I could, and if you ride fast enough, with the visor up, it’s impossible to cry. The wind won’t let you.
But I’ve cried a lot today. Harder than I can remember crying. Everything was already hurting, because of the tension and my pounding heart for 3 straight days. Now it’s worse because of the crying. My lungs hurt from the heavy sobs and the panicked breathing, my eyes hurt for obvious reasons.
There’s not a moral to this story, or any sort of uplifting message of hope at the end.
Because anxiety never ends until it ends. And until it ends, there is no future, no help coming, and no end.

So I’m just shy of begging for a job from OfficeMax again.
Sighhhh

Payment for illicit materials.

Payment for illicit materials.

Fake calligraphy.

Fake calligraphy.

Just got my custom wax seal in the mail.
Everything feels so… Classy…

500 likes happened. Probably a little slowly.

500 likes happened. Probably a little slowly.

In regards to the post I made the other day about goals…
I am getting a vacuum form machine.
I found a startup on kickstarter, so I am both supporting a small business and furthering my own purposes. Two birds.

Iā€™m wearing the exact same shirt right now, omg

Except mine is 4 times as big. And purple. And still has that mustard-y New T-Shirt Smell.

I might wear this all week.

My new favorite shirt just came in the mail.

My new favorite shirt just came in the mail.

They say to write down your goals, to make sure you do them.

I can’t really think of a better place than here.

I’ve never known what I want to do with my life, because I’ve always wanted to do everything. The idea of doing one thing has always sounded so limiting, not allowing me to experience all of life.

That being said, I have found a thing that I would be comfortable doing for a long time, if I can find a way to start it and finish it.

I want to build things. I want to build things that transform people into whatever they want to be, and take them wherever they want to go. I want to build props and masks and suits and armor and devices and things that shouldn’t actually exist, but can in the imagination.

So. Yeah. I’m gonna get on that.